The Truth About... Part I

The truth is that Serialkiller isn’t really a serial killer. At least not that anyone can prove. He’s never left a bloody cleaver on his desk or a severed finger in his trash can. He has never had one of those uncomfortable moments where you walk up on him digging around in his trunk and he has to hide the body wrapped in plastic in there. He got his nickname because of this uncomfortable feeling that I get every time I talk to him. I look in his eyes and there’s this darkness and evil hiding behind those orbs. Serialkiller is a rather smart guy with an education that is wasted in The Cubes. However, he seems to have this sense of entitlement and acts like he is more important than anyone else. He’s a phone monkey like the rest of us, yet he actually struts around the Call Center like he’s a king looking in on his serfs

The truth is that Sith Lord isn’t really a Sith Lord. He doesn’t have mystical powers and doesn’t have Midi-chlorians teeming through his body. He got his nickname early in my employment because he would wear a Sith robe, and on occasion an Elven cloak, when it rained. He didn’t help the image any. I started working near Halloween and he was excited about the lightsaber that he had made from a kit and a pair of boots he had special ordered to look like the ones worn by Qui-Gon-Jinn in the prequel movies. I actually started a small war with him once when I kidnapped his Darth Tater figure he had on his desk. Despite that extreme geekdom, he actually hasn’t done any of that in at least a year. He took all his toys home (Treebeard, Darth Tater, a dozen Transformers, and more) and doesn’t even give me daily updates on his World of Warcraft character anymore. (In the effort of full disclosure, I had to Google most of the Star Wars terms because I didn’t really know them)

The truth is, The Executioner never killed anyone. He’s not Serialkiller’s accomplice. When he goes fishing he releases all his catches. He only recently got his nickname after Shitpants McPooperton got fired. It takes some quick back story for it to make since though. For every call that comes into the Call Center, we have to create a ticket. If we solve an issue over the phone, we close that ticket. If we can’t solve it, or it’s not under our scope of service we send that ticket to the next responsible group. Documenting issues and routing tickets is the majority of our job. At the end of each day all those tickets have to be checked for accuracy and adherence to protocol. For a long time this was my job, but it’s a thankless, monotonous job that doesn’t come with any extra money or perks. So I dropped it all on The Executioner. Shitpants was a horrible employee. He lied, he faked tickets, and he was rude to people. On top of all this he would be a few hours late for work at least once a week, and was on time if he was only 30 minutes late. There were months in a row where he couldn’t go a single week without calling out at least one day a week. So when he got fired there was ample reason to kick him to the curb. In Shitpants twisted mind though, he had never done anything wrong, and started e-mailing The Executioner after he was firing cussing him out and blaming him for losing his job. And that’s how The Executioner got his name.

More insider secrets and tell all interviews to come…