Napoleon is a little man with a big superiority complex. Thus, the nickname Napoleon. As I've mentioned before, he's at the bottom of upper management. He's the main liaison between our IT department and the rest of the company, and like most IT management he is a complete tech fucktard (see also fuckwit, fucknut, fuckstain, etc…). There have been countless times when Napoleon will send in an e-mail stating he's having trouble, and the only thing that is in the email is a screenshot of whatever was on his screen at the time he got the error. There are never any details of what the problem is. The most it will say is "Fix this." What the hell this is, is anyone's guess.
Napoleon doesn't really work in our office, or even in the same state, but he spends about a week or two every couple of months making everyone uncomfortable when he comes in to town. He'll take over a desk, whether or not someone else uses it, turn it around so that it faces out (90 degrees off from what all the other desks are) and setup camp like it was a tiny hotel room. One time he visited, he commandeered a desk near a conference room that was in heavy use at the time and people kept taking his chair. Instead of just finding another chair, he sent out an email to everyone demanding that they stop taking his chair and requested a cable lock to secure his chair when he was away. The obvious solution to this was to wait until after hours and cable lock his chair to the rafters so that it hung ominously, like some kind of mod threat. The emails that followed this office equivalent of the horse head in your bed were less than cordial. I'm often quite relieved that I never shared my plan with anyone else; the pressure to snitch was high.
There's always been something peculiar about Napoleon that only comes across in person and I think that, along with the fact that he's a complete douche, is a big reason while there's no Lady Napoleon. The man has this uncanny ability to turn some of the most innocuous statements into phrases of sleaze that rival the worst 70's porno. Napoleon was in the office last week, and managed to turn an innocent phrase like "Don't forget your suitcase" into something that sounded like it was borderline sexual harassment. He kept saying it to one of our 4 bosses because she was going out of town to visit headquarters, but each time he said it, it sounded more and more suggestive, and yet it meant absolutely nothing.
Napoleon is one of those people that you always wonder what they do and how they have a job. Despite the fact that it's known he's management of some sort, we never know what exactly he does. Alan Alda (not the real one, but a former co-worker) would call him a Jerkass in his New Yorker accent. His temper and constant need to prove himself, has lead to random shouts, such as loudly proclaiming he's got the keys to the kingdom, or sending vague messages asking when "this" is going to get fixed, even if we never knew "that" was broken. The only thing missing from Napoleon's story is an exile to the Isle of Alba, but for now I have to find piece of mind in the fact that he has to work in
No comments:
Post a Comment