Meet The Cubers

Cubers are to the office what lifers are to prison. They are the most adjusted, and terminal, residents of the office. They are the long-term cube monkeys that inhabit the confines of the cube jungle. The office is their life and they're never leaving, at least not willingly. These are not stories about people using CD drives as cup holders or looking for the "Any" key on the keyboard. These are stories about the motley crew of a help desk. These are stories about the Cubers.

You can usually tell what kind of day most of the Cubers are having by how many paper coffee cups are in their trashcans or stacked on their desk. If The Hippie has a full pyramid by the time I come in, a few hours after him, I know I'm in for a rough day. If Serial Killer is already anxiously flipping poker chips I know I need to take a deep breath before diving in the deep end. If The Gimp is already chugging Red Bull and Tums I know to go ahead and pee and get some water before I log in.

Every Cuber has their own habit, just like every Cuber has their own nickname. I am the king that knights each member of the team. I am the one that dubs them Sith Lord, Nate Dogg, and Executioner. Some of the nicknames are purely descriptive, like The Hippie. He's an old timer at the help desk whose hobbies include smoking pot, driving and fixing VW Buses, and listening to The Dead.

Some nicknames are inside jokes, like Stalker Bait. The sole woman at the call center, whose only weakness is that she happens to be a cute girl working in an office of geeky, awkward, sexually frustrated men. I could see three of my coworkers falling in love the moment she walked in. They all got this creepy pregnant glow and were tripping over their dicks to make a clumsy pass at her. There's an ongoing bet as to who will break first, Stalker Bait, or her Stalkers.

Other names are descriptive, and can be an inside joke as well, but aren't exactly flattering. They're as much a way to call someone and describe someone as they are to help vent frustration. My favorite is Shitpants McPooperton. He's a 50 something cranky man who lives in the past as much as in the bathroom. He's a slacker, a liar, and foul man in general.

I'm the Trixter. As the creed and ethics of nicking names goes, I didn't come up with my own nickname. I'm named as much for being a literal trickster, as I am the crappy 80's band, whose song Give It to Me Good was stuck in my head, and subsequently whistled whenever I walked around, for weeks.

These are just a few of the characters you will come to know, love, hate, or just not give a shit about. These are the Cubers. These are their stories.